been awhile....

it's been awhile since I've posted anything new here and I'm feeling a bit frazzled. I went right to "post". I did not open the "blog of the day" and have not seen anything anyone has written as of yet-lol. Yes!, this is my downfall to writing here. I tend to get drawn into all that everyone has written and lose track of time :)
For a while now things haven't been real good for me. I'm not real good at gathering thoughts when I am this way. Rest assured that everyone here is fine but I really have been pushing myself "out" a little too much! how can I help it-the weather has been wonderful and seems the best to get out if not just into the yard :) I've planted some day lillie's and some lily of the valley to fill in the sides of the sheds. I've gotten out into the community with the kids a little more on our walks. This is a good thing! so why do I feel so guilty and behind on everything. I'm not sure if this is a normal feeling or just another side of this anxiety that is creeping in. Two steps forward, one step back has always been ok with me but I'm tripping, and it's getting really annoying. On a positive note, I am enjoying the summer-yesterday was the last day of school for the kiddo's so it's just beginniing :D

Even the puddle rug has issues.

I don't like whining, I really don't think anyone does. It hurts my ears, sets off a desire to run yet we in our heads we all do it at times. Lets face it kids whine, some more or worse then others. I'm grateful mine never have, though I'm not really sure way. I have a little voice in my head that wonders if it's something I did as a mother or if it's a way I have reacted to it when they were younger (no, I never "lost it" on them). I remember saying a few times in a calm serious voice "your whining, I don't like it, I won't listen to you in that tone, " and look away. I remember as a child myself if I went to my mother with something bothering me she would say "your just feeling sorry for yourself" end of conversation. I learned to keep most of my feelings to myself after that. I have always been the level headed one with people, if someone is upset they always seem to come find me. Looking for an answer, opinion, solution and I'm happy to help. When I'm feeling useless, upset, depressed, I go into quiet mode. I don't usually share what's on my mind. frankly when I'm like this I'm of no good to anyone and just use what energy I have to function. Too put on a fake smile go into work and be a positive person they all think I am, it drains me. I really don't mind being "the rock" in life. I don't mind being peoples puddle rug they come to when they need encouragement but I would like to hearabout, or be part of the good times too. I have to say these past couple weeks I am "spent" "feed up" or maybe it's time for me to just have my moment on the pity pot. I'm just going to get it out here.
I don't want to be everything to everyone anymore!
I don't want to be the responsible one!
I don't want to be the reason that people are not happy!
I want to cry in a corner and have someone else "fix" things for a change.
I don't want to be lonely.
I want a hug.
I want to be happy with who I am.
but most of all I just need to feel that there is another shoulder that can bare the decisions in life to keep moving forward when things "go wrong".

yes, mom, I know-"quit feeling sorry for yourself"-life is what you make it..but I've ran out of glue.

~Life isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many friends you have. Or how many people call you. Or how accepted or unaccepted you are. Not about if you have plans this weekend. Or if you're alone. It isn't about who your family is or how much money they have. Or what kind of car you drive. Or where you're sent to school. It's not about how beautiful or ugly you are. Or what clothes you wear, what shoes you have on, or what kind of music you listen to. It's not about if your hair is blonde, red, black, brown, or green. Or if your skin is too light or too dark. It's not about what grades you get, how smart you are, how smart everyone else thinks you are, or how smart standardized tests say you are. Or if this teacher likes you, or if this guy/girl likes you. . It's not about representing your whole being on a piece of paper and seeing who will "accept the written you". But life is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about who you make happy or unhappy purposefully. It's about keeping or betraying trust. It's about friendship, used as sanctity, or as a weapon. It's about what you say and mean, maybe hurtful, maybe heartening. About starting rumors and contributing to petty gossip. It's about what judgments you pass and why. And who your judgments are spread to... But most of all, it's about using your life to touch or poison other people's hearts in such a way that could never occurred alone. Only you choose the way these hearts are affected and those choices are what life is all about.~

I feel like writing.....

I have no real direction for this blog other then I feel like writing something down to mark the week. I'm in a pretty good mood tonight as a lot of my work load next week is light and i will get to spend more time catching up on things at home, blogs included-lol. OK..ok..I'll admit it, the idea of not having to go anywhere is a stress reliever and probably the opposite of what I should be doing. I should make a plan to force myself out of the house next week, but for now i'm relishing in the idea of being the hermit I despise so much!-lol. It's hard to find that balance between what is a well deserved break and what is just giving into my avoidant personality disorder. I guess one COULD say that if I spent a day here replying and commenting on all the blogs I have read to which I wanted too (but didn't) couldn't be considered avoidance, could it?-hehe. I do have a few social sites I like to visit here online, it's amazing the amount of time some of these people spend on them but it usually turns into a backlash when I get into a "quiet" mood. People get upset if I'm not logged in everyday, I have to say finding a few good online friends is like winning a lottery!:p I'm thinking blogging is they way to go, I like it here-I have yet to find hate mail waiting simply because I didn't write all week. I did a lot of great reading!-lol, but no writing :)

Another Friday

Another Friday has come and will soon be gone to make way for another weekend gone to soon. You'll be happy to know that my new employee is getting along just fine. I had a comment on that last blog (thank you "Lover of Life") about how it maybe a form of Tourette's that this new employee may be dealing with so I looked it up. There are two forms of Tourette syndrome that I found that come close. The first is Palilalia (repeating ones own words) and Echolalia (repeating the words of others). I think the Echolalia is a lot closer to explaining her "talent" as it she could have mastered it over the years into a neat "trick" of practically reading another's thoughts being simply predictable. Though I haven't asked her about it because I'm afraid I may be over stepping some line. Frankly it's easier to me to just assume she can't help it and hope that as she starts feeling more comfortable around work it will ease up a bit :) As my own anxiety quarks do, hehe.
I have to say I'm glad this week is over and Friday is here. The girls and I had our home movie night, we threw popcorn at the TV, we hooted, howled, and laughed as the dogs jockey for the best position to clean up the popcorn before it hits the ground. We all love our Friday's here, I think even the dogs look forward to it :)