Good questions :p

In a comment I recieved from my good "bear hug" had a couple questions I thought I would add as a post, as you can imagine there are lots my daughters and I have been throwing around about the hopes of a coffee shop in our future. Seems we have been compiling a list of sorts that are filling up a notebook. seems the most are pro's but it's the "cons" I've been mostly concerned with in taking care of :P seems the pro's are always the easy come ones-lol.
So here we go, just for you Bear :)

1. Self-employment is not for the faint-hearted. It will take a lot of courage. I think you can do it!
...Thanks for encouragement :) and as much as I'm not looking to get rich I still have bills to pay so since we have decided it's the "younger" demographic we are going to try and reach as our main clientel (there is no youth friendly "meeting place in town here other then the park" other then my yard so it seems-lol ). I have decided that I will work my current job in the morning and leave at noon. The coffee house hours will be 12:30-10pm (most of the businesses in town close at 5pm weekdays and 3:30pm on the weekends) we will be open same hours on the weekend.

2. So, why did the former owners close up shop?
...The gentleman closed shop as he married a women who had four children and moved to a larger city accepting a fulltime job and couldn't keep up paying someone to manage the coffee house and pay other employees. (frankly after looking at his finacial pieces and from what I've heard of some in town, when he left there was some "till skimming" going on)I'm hoping being an owner opperated business I can avoid this pitfall.

3. Yes a coffee shop is good, but some of us like tea. What kinds of tea will you have on hand, as well as coffee?

...We have a "good earth" natural food store that has opened here (also owner operated) I have spoke with her as too "highlighting" some of her herbal teas in our coffee house so they will vary. But will come as a bargin, fresh, and good advertising for both businesses as she will advertise coffee house as carrying her teas should someone want to try first :)
I have also come across a man who is looking for a place to set up a bean roaster from his old business, I have told him I will give him the office space in the shop since my office at home (a few blocks away) will be sufficent. He still has a taste for his fresh beanies and so does his family and I get free freshly roasted beans roasted "on site" in return. What coffee house wouldn't want this? :p

4. Will you make your own scones and biscotti? Nothing like the smell of fresh baking to entice folks to stay.
...I have thought of making goodies there but getting into actually selling "baked" good in the small coffee house goes into deeper inspections though as far as the city is concerned as long as the existing commercial oven stays clean I may throw in a few store packaged items into it as for "customer enjoyment" not sold or advertised it would be ok. One thing at a time is the way I am looking at it right now.

5. Will you have a little bookshelf for the readers? (I got that suggestion from Nancy.) Maybe a few magazines?
I have a large collection of books as I have purchased them by the box full at garage sales for many years. Chances are the youngers will bring their laptops and such for reading blogs hehe. Yes I have a router and plan to have wifi. Music is always welcome there but may have to set some rules on that :p

6. Will the current owners stay on for a year to help you "learn the ropes" of the business?
..I'm thinking he is not going to be around but my daughters best friends mother has actually worked in this very same coffee house while he was still there and has offered to help me with learning all the ins and outs of the equipment and such. I'm crossing my fingers any other info I can find online.

As you can see it will be an adventure as it all has been even this far. and I'm still thinking that even if we go bust! the expirience will be something both me and the girls will have grown from and have memories that will haunt us every morning we get up to the smell of coffee for the rest of our lives-LOL! cross your fingers all ;)
....And ThanQ Bear for the Good questions ~hug~

Anyone up for some coffee?

In my "Saturday outs" with the girls last weekend we came across our neighborhood coffee shop "closed". All the inner workings still sitting in the big wide window, a little sunlight was napping on the lounging couch with it's toes on the floor in the front. So sad :( it looked so lonely in there. The girls didn't speak, it was almost like they were giving me my time to say goodbye and morn. There is something about a small coffee house, in a small town to me that has always had it's comforts. Though I never really spoke to many people it seemed almost a safe haven to me.
Of course the wheels in my head started spinning when I saw the small hand written sign taped inside the window "for sale (contact #)" my daughter poked me with a pen and smiled :D they now me ooohh too well it's almost scary. Of course as much fun there is dreaming of owning ones own business let's face it, could a recovering social-a-phobic really have a chance at running a coffee house?probably not but I'm not ditching the idea. I have done some contacting of the owner (score one for the social phobe) turns out when motivated I can still hold a business style phone demeanor, who knew? but of course that is only the beginning of what will and would be a life changing event for us. Yes, US, I have to include the girls in this as this could go so wrong and they would be affected on so many levels I don't think they understand yet. I sound like my own worst cheering section when trying to explain all the "could, would be's" with them. They are 15 and 11 so they are seeing rainbows of working with mom in a warm funky coffee house. I am seeing the bottom line and the fear of failure and losing something more they may hold dear. But I have to admit some of those memories we could make would be worth a lifetime. So I'm still taking cautious steps in the pursuit of this little dream. Anyone up for some coffee?

Monday..Monday..Monday

I listen a lot. To everyone and interject my thoughts carefully and only when needed.
I prefer to be shy and quiet when it doesn't force me into situations I would rather not be in presently, I often find myself walking out of a room smiling and nodding my head as pretend I must be going to do something important and timely just to leave an undesired conversation. Sometimes confrontation is necessary and I realize that and step forward ( I do try to behave). Most times it is unnecessary to highlight myself as it serves no immediate purpose. I realize people make their own assumptions of me. I can work much more effectively, quietly and in the background. No waves, no earth-shattering deal-breaking maneuvers. Just calm, conscientious steady working method is good for me. I consider most a good day :)
Then there are the people who thrive on chaos, you know the ones who insist that you MUST care of their drama. I'm not cold hearted, I realize everyone has their issues in this life. But when you give your opinion of the situation they don't really want it. And if you don't say a word you are obviously in disagreement. The best you can do is tell yourself you can't please anyone and run for the hills!!

So..umm...What's new?

Being in the hidden side of a retreat/vacation/lodge where I work I've been pretty busy lately. (happy 4th of July all :D )
Not to mention trying to catch up with all the reading here after my computer fiasco and the need to think I am no longer computer dependant (yeh right!-lol). In reading so many blogs here I'm starting to think I have a sharing problem, I keep having flashes of someone from work or my past finding me here and reading my "issues"-lol. Lets be honest, I really shouldn't be using a real picture of me here but needless to say my intentions were good:p I am currently in the process of finding a new profile picture (just another thing on my to do list)...back to the sharing issue~I find that most of you freely give so much info about yourselves and your thoughts and I've been a little slow to catch up with that. Part of why I started this blog was to re-learn to express myself that I feel I can't in real life (yep, you guessed it, I still have no friends;D). Maybe it was the lapse in access to this place that jogged my thinking a little. Might even be a little guilt as I have a couple new followers that I can't for the life of me figure out what interest my none "sharing" not to the point blogs have to hold there interest-lol. Even now as I look at how much I have written here in this piece and still not managed to get anything productive to say out. So what's new? lets start with what's old that I haven't shared. I'm sure most have figured out that I was not always a socially challenged person so what has changed? I have to say it started long before my move to this new town. The last town I lived in was even smaller then this one. For starters I have essential tremor that has been getting worse. I also have a tendancy to go extremely anemic. Yes, I have been through many doctors who like to run the same tests over and over again, just incase something was missed (of course my insurance doesn't miss it and there for decide they don't want to pay for the lab work..AGain). So as anyone can imagine the looks I get as Ms. tired, pale, and shakey -trys to write a check, sign my name, or fill out any paperwork. People make their own assumptions and a small town is no exception. I have now been trying to break in a new doctor in this new town. More updates on that to come (oh..yippy-lol) I have to admit the best part is adding the "oh yeah, I have anxiety too" they see dollar signs till I tell them I'm not looking for any of the side effect prone pills they make these days for all it's worth. After that they could pretty much careless.lol....soooo...umm...now you know whats new ;) I will try to get myself back into the swing of things here.

checking in with the crew :)

Feels good to be back online-I had a few clitches in my computer. The first day I was devestated! in shock and felt out of touch with "reality" which is probably the first sign of an internet junky I figured-lol. After calming my anxiety down with a few repeated words of comfort "Worst comes to worst I can rip the computer from my daughters room and survive" I told myself I need to get a grip :D Lets face it, as much as the internet is a godsend for someone to practice being social all over again, it's also our worst enemy.
As much as I boost the "all things happen for a reason" thing, I'll admit to kneeling on my floor cursing the little light on my modem telling me that all was well and happy in internet land in my daughters room. The need to set a good example and act like it's something I could live without pained me more then knowing that my child all though would understand me taking her computer but let's face it, she's bigger then me and has not yet figured out she could kick my butt-I'd rather her not use this as that "learning" tool-hehe.
I learned a lot about myself in the time I was "internet detoxing" I think it was a good eye opener ;) I ventured into my deck, my yard, my book collection, and many conversations with my dogs later realized just how I needed to adjust my computer addiction. But.......*hugs* it's SOOOOOOOO nice to have it back!-lol.

been awhile....

it's been awhile since I've posted anything new here and I'm feeling a bit frazzled. I went right to "post". I did not open the "blog of the day" and have not seen anything anyone has written as of yet-lol. Yes!, this is my downfall to writing here. I tend to get drawn into all that everyone has written and lose track of time :)
For a while now things haven't been real good for me. I'm not real good at gathering thoughts when I am this way. Rest assured that everyone here is fine but I really have been pushing myself "out" a little too much! how can I help it-the weather has been wonderful and seems the best to get out if not just into the yard :) I've planted some day lillie's and some lily of the valley to fill in the sides of the sheds. I've gotten out into the community with the kids a little more on our walks. This is a good thing! so why do I feel so guilty and behind on everything. I'm not sure if this is a normal feeling or just another side of this anxiety that is creeping in. Two steps forward, one step back has always been ok with me but I'm tripping, and it's getting really annoying. On a positive note, I am enjoying the summer-yesterday was the last day of school for the kiddo's so it's just beginniing :D

Even the puddle rug has issues.

I don't like whining, I really don't think anyone does. It hurts my ears, sets off a desire to run yet we in our heads we all do it at times. Lets face it kids whine, some more or worse then others. I'm grateful mine never have, though I'm not really sure way. I have a little voice in my head that wonders if it's something I did as a mother or if it's a way I have reacted to it when they were younger (no, I never "lost it" on them). I remember saying a few times in a calm serious voice "your whining, I don't like it, I won't listen to you in that tone, " and look away. I remember as a child myself if I went to my mother with something bothering me she would say "your just feeling sorry for yourself" end of conversation. I learned to keep most of my feelings to myself after that. I have always been the level headed one with people, if someone is upset they always seem to come find me. Looking for an answer, opinion, solution and I'm happy to help. When I'm feeling useless, upset, depressed, I go into quiet mode. I don't usually share what's on my mind. frankly when I'm like this I'm of no good to anyone and just use what energy I have to function. Too put on a fake smile go into work and be a positive person they all think I am, it drains me. I really don't mind being "the rock" in life. I don't mind being peoples puddle rug they come to when they need encouragement but I would like to hearabout, or be part of the good times too. I have to say these past couple weeks I am "spent" "feed up" or maybe it's time for me to just have my moment on the pity pot. I'm just going to get it out here.
I don't want to be everything to everyone anymore!
I don't want to be the responsible one!
I don't want to be the reason that people are not happy!
I want to cry in a corner and have someone else "fix" things for a change.
I don't want to be lonely.
I want a hug.
I want to be happy with who I am.
but most of all I just need to feel that there is another shoulder that can bare the decisions in life to keep moving forward when things "go wrong".

yes, mom, I know-"quit feeling sorry for yourself"-life is what you make it..but I've ran out of glue.

~Life isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many friends you have. Or how many people call you. Or how accepted or unaccepted you are. Not about if you have plans this weekend. Or if you're alone. It isn't about who your family is or how much money they have. Or what kind of car you drive. Or where you're sent to school. It's not about how beautiful or ugly you are. Or what clothes you wear, what shoes you have on, or what kind of music you listen to. It's not about if your hair is blonde, red, black, brown, or green. Or if your skin is too light or too dark. It's not about what grades you get, how smart you are, how smart everyone else thinks you are, or how smart standardized tests say you are. Or if this teacher likes you, or if this guy/girl likes you. . It's not about representing your whole being on a piece of paper and seeing who will "accept the written you". But life is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about who you make happy or unhappy purposefully. It's about keeping or betraying trust. It's about friendship, used as sanctity, or as a weapon. It's about what you say and mean, maybe hurtful, maybe heartening. About starting rumors and contributing to petty gossip. It's about what judgments you pass and why. And who your judgments are spread to... But most of all, it's about using your life to touch or poison other people's hearts in such a way that could never occurred alone. Only you choose the way these hearts are affected and those choices are what life is all about.~

I feel like writing.....

I have no real direction for this blog other then I feel like writing something down to mark the week. I'm in a pretty good mood tonight as a lot of my work load next week is light and i will get to spend more time catching up on things at home, blogs included-lol. OK..ok..I'll admit it, the idea of not having to go anywhere is a stress reliever and probably the opposite of what I should be doing. I should make a plan to force myself out of the house next week, but for now i'm relishing in the idea of being the hermit I despise so much!-lol. It's hard to find that balance between what is a well deserved break and what is just giving into my avoidant personality disorder. I guess one COULD say that if I spent a day here replying and commenting on all the blogs I have read to which I wanted too (but didn't) couldn't be considered avoidance, could it?-hehe. I do have a few social sites I like to visit here online, it's amazing the amount of time some of these people spend on them but it usually turns into a backlash when I get into a "quiet" mood. People get upset if I'm not logged in everyday, I have to say finding a few good online friends is like winning a lottery!:p I'm thinking blogging is they way to go, I like it here-I have yet to find hate mail waiting simply because I didn't write all week. I did a lot of great reading!-lol, but no writing :)

Another Friday

Another Friday has come and will soon be gone to make way for another weekend gone to soon. You'll be happy to know that my new employee is getting along just fine. I had a comment on that last blog (thank you "Lover of Life") about how it maybe a form of Tourette's that this new employee may be dealing with so I looked it up. There are two forms of Tourette syndrome that I found that come close. The first is Palilalia (repeating ones own words) and Echolalia (repeating the words of others). I think the Echolalia is a lot closer to explaining her "talent" as it she could have mastered it over the years into a neat "trick" of practically reading another's thoughts being simply predictable. Though I haven't asked her about it because I'm afraid I may be over stepping some line. Frankly it's easier to me to just assume she can't help it and hope that as she starts feeling more comfortable around work it will ease up a bit :) As my own anxiety quarks do, hehe.
I have to say I'm glad this week is over and Friday is here. The girls and I had our home movie night, we threw popcorn at the TV, we hooted, howled, and laughed as the dogs jockey for the best position to clean up the popcorn before it hits the ground. We all love our Friday's here, I think even the dogs look forward to it :)

a loss for words, annoyed yet amazed.

One thing I have always held to be of truth is that almost no matter where you work there will always be the same "types" of personality in people you have to work with at a job. You could work in one state and move to another, it makes no difference. There will always be the "butt kisser", the "gossip spreader", the "boss wannabe", and so on. Whenever I have started a new job I have learned over the years to take people with a "grain of salt" and not take to much personally. I truly thought I had it all figured out to keep a positive attitude in working with others both for myself and those around me. If all else failed my famous escape was always a smile and walk away. Well this morning at work those idea's that have worked so well for me as a proven method of work place serenity have meet there match!
We have a new employee that is even more unique in personality then me! (oh, happy happy joy joy!) at first glance I knew by her nervous ways that she was another product of anxiety and we would have something in common :) but anxiety does different things to different people I suddenly realized. I was amazed how within the first hour this woman was nervously but accurately speaking the same words out of every ones mouths at the same time they would speak! OH MY....I have seen people do this only on "That's Incredible" or "Amazing people" type shows, never in real life! But this was no clapping matter, it was almost impossible to hold any conversation with anyone even with her in the next room! Don't get me wrong she is a dear of a woman and a great worker, but even my thread was wearing thin.
By then end of the 2nd day working around her, we were all tired and wanting to get finished and off to our homes and families, I snapped. Well..ok not so much snapped but when I asked another woman a question and she started in I simply turned and smiled saying quickly "I wasn't talking to you" and quickly turned back to hear the answer from the intended person. UUUHG!! I'm really not that type of person and really, I was shameful! I decided the next morning I would go into work and apologize to her.
So this morning I came into work with the words firmly planted into my head as too what I would say to her in my apology. I called her name and walked up to her. I was on my second word and she proceeded to say it word for word before I could even get it out.....word for word :l
....I simply smiled and walked away. Annoyed yet amazed!

hidden epiphanies

Why is it when you try so hard to try and figure yourself out it turns into writers block or the on going ramblings of a 4 year old on a sugar high? ARRRRGH!

The answers do come to you eventually in their own due time. Maybe it's something we withhold from ourselves till we're ready for them. We then realize the answer was there all along. The questions in my head as to the origins of what makes "me" me, and what makes "others" them, helps I think:) Confusing I know, but I think we all give of ourselves here in hopes of maybe just that. Reading others thoughts of creativity, dreams, likes, dislikes, and memories open up these little hidden epiphanies of ourselves and why we do, act, react, the way we do to things.

Since joining here and reading blogs my mind is in full swing. Once these racing thoughts find there place settled into my head I'm sure I'll pop out a few more small answers, or at least that's how my mind seems to work.

I am the youngest of 4 children. That family all resides near my parents in AZ. I visit rarely. The last trip there, as I packed the girls into the rental car for the long (yet enjoyable)drive home, my daughter had mentioned to me something startling. She said (Quote) "Mom, there is something seriously wrong with those people!" I hate to admit it but she's right. My family consists of instigators and drama queens. The kids were happy to say their goodbyes and so was I.

Though this was said a couple years ago I never really wanted to be one to claim "my family" made me who I am today. I hide from confrontation. Frankly if I had anything to say it would need to be showing no fear and strong enough to endure the backlash it may receive. The perfect creation of a bullheaded social-a-phobic personalty. All this blogging and "free speech" that goes on with it is blowing my mind-lol. It will take some getting used to, but i have to admit it's a pretty good feeling :) So thank you who ever actually manages to get through this long blog (babbling) about this latest hidden epiphany from the mind of me, a 4 year old on a sugar high-hehe.

The Saturday outs

In trying to force my way out of the house more I push myself even harder on the weekends. The idea of raising these two kids to simply sit inside and not venture out would be a crime if not a form of neglect. So I announce that though the weather isn't as nice as yesterday, we will walk to town if just to window shop a little. I get a "stare"...you would think I had dropped a plate of broccoli in front of them ;P (I love raw veggies and they have never forgiven me for this-lol ). They soon realize that "Anxiety mom" is not joking and get on their shoes, sweatshirts, and we head out the door. As much as I like spending time with my girls it soon occurs to me that I can't hold two conversations at once, though it doesn't seem to bother them as they talk over each other. Before I know it we are walking on the sidewalk in the midst of this old town "strip" of jam packed antique stores displaying "closed" signs and no given idea if they have any real time they are open. My sarcastic daughter cheerful comments how they must simply put there things in there and will open "later" to find all the items are now antiques -hehe. I reply "much like your room?" :) we all have a few chuckles till we come to an open consignment shop sandwiched in between two cafe's emitting the glorious smells of cooking spiced grease. A luster of bells ring as we walk through the door to awaken the woman behind the counter. So much crap so little time, I think this to myself, as the store attendant tries to decide who to follow as we spread out in this large home of unwanted goodies. She chooses my oldest, the teen-as we all know parents never have the money for trivial things but the teen, if not money then obviously if not buying then stealing. Have I mentioned before how much I hate this town?..the stereotypes run freely as well as the gossip. After my daughter is coaxed into buying a used tennis racket and tennis balls it will be up to me to persuade her to actually make good and use them :) and we move on to the next "open" store. I'm holding up well, the babbling of the girls always makes going into public so much easier for me. I haven't had a panic attack in a long time, I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy, truly. It wasn't till I decided the worst of the fear for having them was to have them in public for all to see and wonder if I was on some drug induced fit. I finally just told myself the next time i had an attack would just let it "run it's course" and not worry so much how people react. Lets face it, people are going to judge me weather the attack be large or small. After one or two attacks after that they became less and less. I figured out the more I "worried" they would happen the more they did happen. It was one of my defining moments in my battle to fight this thing labelled anxiety. Now I just need to start liking people-haha, that may take a little more time. Till then me and my girls will continue to have our Saturday's out and about. We will babble about all the oddities this town tries to sell or offer us and in return share ours with them :)

My wild kingdom.

I have a follower! my first here :) ThanQ you crazy Bear :) I do love your blogs, they really put a smile on my face. I can easily see myself getting addicted to this place I have to say! and my blog page doesn't feel quite so empty anymore :) I'm thinking tonight I shall create a picture blog as I am more then willing to share my dogs with another dog fancier!

Anxiety as a helpful friend...?

Today is a beautiful day outside, the sun is up and it has got to be close to 70 degrees. It's safe to say spring has finally come, but this is Minnesota and anything goes. I thought I would make the best of the day and clean the yard up a bit. Low and behold the first thing I ponder on is that mass demon of a shovel propt up next to my shed. Do I dare to put it away into the shed? it almost feels like i'm testing fate. I know the minute that beast is out of reach, the snow shall once again fall. "I'll take my chances" I say, and put it away...WHOA!! this shed is a mess!-hehe. As I retreat into the house I think of all the other things I should get done today. The thought of so many items to do in itself starts a whirl wind in my head, I know all too well. I can't think straight, the heart starts to pound and the hands start their tremors. ANXIETY ATTACK!...but let's not look at this as a bad thing. Let's face it, it is all pure adreniline which at this point is exactly what I need! :) I want to enjoy the day so I dig up some gloves, a garbage bag, and grab the radio! off to the shed I go!
I got a lot done today I'm happy to say:D and on top of it all I did enjoy my wonderfully warm day! who knew that anxiety could be so helpful...maybe this is the theory behind all those energy drinks they make. Someone thought "if I could bottle this I'll make millions!" :D

a normal society...

I was thinking that a new town would make things easier, nobody knows me or of me. The idea of going out into the world, if only to the local store to pick up items for supper forgotten in the last trip, would be easier at best. I gather my small post it list of items needed, run a brush through my hair, check for keys (again), check the thermometer outside my small kitchen window. Awwww...not to cold out I need only to select a hoody to throw on simple enough. Check the clock to find it has already taken me 15 minute to get out of the house and run to the store only 3-4 minutes away. I'm stalling as I always do and at this point that voice in my head barks "just go already, Geez!"
I know I over think things, I know people have there own lives and could careless about who I am-yet the town is filled with people who know me now that I do not know. My oldest daughter is now 15 and has cheering told here friends of her wonderfully abstract mother. I notice the smirks and pity of recognition all to well and frankly I really don't want to offend anyone or embarrass my daughter. After the trip has been made I find the trembling hands to be an annoyance and hope nobody will ring my phone as I would most definitely drop it to the floor trying to pick it up at this point.

*note to self...READ HOW TO BLOG HERE SO AS NOT TO COME OFF AS SUCH A NOOB!~LOL

The internet is just that to me, another hiding place. Yet being a social person with social anxiety makes no sense to most, including me. I generaly like people and what they have to say as long as I don't have particapate. Yes,I work but it takes me 20 minutes just to get out the door. I'm always checking to make sure I have everything, I've even caught myself putting away the dishes whilst dawning my coat, keys in hand....JUST GO ALREADY!! I tell myself.I wasn't always this way.To say I am frustrated with myself would be an understatement. I'm going to use this blog to punch out these random thoughts in my head. If anyone is curious to follow along your welcome to it.