hidden epiphanies

Why is it when you try so hard to try and figure yourself out it turns into writers block or the on going ramblings of a 4 year old on a sugar high? ARRRRGH!

The answers do come to you eventually in their own due time. Maybe it's something we withhold from ourselves till we're ready for them. We then realize the answer was there all along. The questions in my head as to the origins of what makes "me" me, and what makes "others" them, helps I think:) Confusing I know, but I think we all give of ourselves here in hopes of maybe just that. Reading others thoughts of creativity, dreams, likes, dislikes, and memories open up these little hidden epiphanies of ourselves and why we do, act, react, the way we do to things.

Since joining here and reading blogs my mind is in full swing. Once these racing thoughts find there place settled into my head I'm sure I'll pop out a few more small answers, or at least that's how my mind seems to work.

I am the youngest of 4 children. That family all resides near my parents in AZ. I visit rarely. The last trip there, as I packed the girls into the rental car for the long (yet enjoyable)drive home, my daughter had mentioned to me something startling. She said (Quote) "Mom, there is something seriously wrong with those people!" I hate to admit it but she's right. My family consists of instigators and drama queens. The kids were happy to say their goodbyes and so was I.

Though this was said a couple years ago I never really wanted to be one to claim "my family" made me who I am today. I hide from confrontation. Frankly if I had anything to say it would need to be showing no fear and strong enough to endure the backlash it may receive. The perfect creation of a bullheaded social-a-phobic personalty. All this blogging and "free speech" that goes on with it is blowing my mind-lol. It will take some getting used to, but i have to admit it's a pretty good feeling :) So thank you who ever actually manages to get through this long blog (babbling) about this latest hidden epiphany from the mind of me, a 4 year old on a sugar high-hehe.

The Saturday outs

In trying to force my way out of the house more I push myself even harder on the weekends. The idea of raising these two kids to simply sit inside and not venture out would be a crime if not a form of neglect. So I announce that though the weather isn't as nice as yesterday, we will walk to town if just to window shop a little. I get a "stare"...you would think I had dropped a plate of broccoli in front of them ;P (I love raw veggies and they have never forgiven me for this-lol ). They soon realize that "Anxiety mom" is not joking and get on their shoes, sweatshirts, and we head out the door. As much as I like spending time with my girls it soon occurs to me that I can't hold two conversations at once, though it doesn't seem to bother them as they talk over each other. Before I know it we are walking on the sidewalk in the midst of this old town "strip" of jam packed antique stores displaying "closed" signs and no given idea if they have any real time they are open. My sarcastic daughter cheerful comments how they must simply put there things in there and will open "later" to find all the items are now antiques -hehe. I reply "much like your room?" :) we all have a few chuckles till we come to an open consignment shop sandwiched in between two cafe's emitting the glorious smells of cooking spiced grease. A luster of bells ring as we walk through the door to awaken the woman behind the counter. So much crap so little time, I think this to myself, as the store attendant tries to decide who to follow as we spread out in this large home of unwanted goodies. She chooses my oldest, the teen-as we all know parents never have the money for trivial things but the teen, if not money then obviously if not buying then stealing. Have I mentioned before how much I hate this town?..the stereotypes run freely as well as the gossip. After my daughter is coaxed into buying a used tennis racket and tennis balls it will be up to me to persuade her to actually make good and use them :) and we move on to the next "open" store. I'm holding up well, the babbling of the girls always makes going into public so much easier for me. I haven't had a panic attack in a long time, I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy, truly. It wasn't till I decided the worst of the fear for having them was to have them in public for all to see and wonder if I was on some drug induced fit. I finally just told myself the next time i had an attack would just let it "run it's course" and not worry so much how people react. Lets face it, people are going to judge me weather the attack be large or small. After one or two attacks after that they became less and less. I figured out the more I "worried" they would happen the more they did happen. It was one of my defining moments in my battle to fight this thing labelled anxiety. Now I just need to start liking people-haha, that may take a little more time. Till then me and my girls will continue to have our Saturday's out and about. We will babble about all the oddities this town tries to sell or offer us and in return share ours with them :)

My wild kingdom.

I have a follower! my first here :) ThanQ you crazy Bear :) I do love your blogs, they really put a smile on my face. I can easily see myself getting addicted to this place I have to say! and my blog page doesn't feel quite so empty anymore :) I'm thinking tonight I shall create a picture blog as I am more then willing to share my dogs with another dog fancier!

Anxiety as a helpful friend...?

Today is a beautiful day outside, the sun is up and it has got to be close to 70 degrees. It's safe to say spring has finally come, but this is Minnesota and anything goes. I thought I would make the best of the day and clean the yard up a bit. Low and behold the first thing I ponder on is that mass demon of a shovel propt up next to my shed. Do I dare to put it away into the shed? it almost feels like i'm testing fate. I know the minute that beast is out of reach, the snow shall once again fall. "I'll take my chances" I say, and put it away...WHOA!! this shed is a mess!-hehe. As I retreat into the house I think of all the other things I should get done today. The thought of so many items to do in itself starts a whirl wind in my head, I know all too well. I can't think straight, the heart starts to pound and the hands start their tremors. ANXIETY ATTACK!...but let's not look at this as a bad thing. Let's face it, it is all pure adreniline which at this point is exactly what I need! :) I want to enjoy the day so I dig up some gloves, a garbage bag, and grab the radio! off to the shed I go!
I got a lot done today I'm happy to say:D and on top of it all I did enjoy my wonderfully warm day! who knew that anxiety could be so helpful...maybe this is the theory behind all those energy drinks they make. Someone thought "if I could bottle this I'll make millions!" :D

a normal society...

I was thinking that a new town would make things easier, nobody knows me or of me. The idea of going out into the world, if only to the local store to pick up items for supper forgotten in the last trip, would be easier at best. I gather my small post it list of items needed, run a brush through my hair, check for keys (again), check the thermometer outside my small kitchen window. Awwww...not to cold out I need only to select a hoody to throw on simple enough. Check the clock to find it has already taken me 15 minute to get out of the house and run to the store only 3-4 minutes away. I'm stalling as I always do and at this point that voice in my head barks "just go already, Geez!"
I know I over think things, I know people have there own lives and could careless about who I am-yet the town is filled with people who know me now that I do not know. My oldest daughter is now 15 and has cheering told here friends of her wonderfully abstract mother. I notice the smirks and pity of recognition all to well and frankly I really don't want to offend anyone or embarrass my daughter. After the trip has been made I find the trembling hands to be an annoyance and hope nobody will ring my phone as I would most definitely drop it to the floor trying to pick it up at this point.

*note to self...READ HOW TO BLOG HERE SO AS NOT TO COME OFF AS SUCH A NOOB!~LOL

The internet is just that to me, another hiding place. Yet being a social person with social anxiety makes no sense to most, including me. I generaly like people and what they have to say as long as I don't have particapate. Yes,I work but it takes me 20 minutes just to get out the door. I'm always checking to make sure I have everything, I've even caught myself putting away the dishes whilst dawning my coat, keys in hand....JUST GO ALREADY!! I tell myself.I wasn't always this way.To say I am frustrated with myself would be an understatement. I'm going to use this blog to punch out these random thoughts in my head. If anyone is curious to follow along your welcome to it.